Question Christian Fundamentalism

Have you ever been told that your child is “strong-willed” because they question rules, push boundaries, or assert their independence? In To Train Up a Child (TTUAC), Michael Pearl frames this natural behavior as defiance that must be broken. But what if rebellion isn’t a flaw to correct? What if it’s a vital part of healthy child development?

It’s important to challenge the harmful narrative that rebellion is a defect. Rebellion often signals growth, autonomy, and emotional development. We’ll unpack the risks of suppressing a child’s will and offer positive, evidence-based strategies to support your child’s natural journey toward independence.

How To Train Up a Child Views Rebellion

In TTUAC, rebellion is framed as an enemy to be defeated—a sign of disobedience and defiance that threatens parental control. The book advocates for harsh tactics to “break” a child’s will, treating natural developmental behaviors as moral failings.

Relevant Quotes from To Train Up a Child:

1. “Almost every small child will have at least one time in his young life when he will rebel against authority and take hold of the reins.” (Page 11)
2. “If you are consistent in training, this attempt at total dominance will come only once in a child’s life.” (Page 11)
3. “The frustration parents experience results from their failure to train. Their problem is not ‘bad’ children, just bad training.” (Page 4)

This approach assumes that obedience is the ultimate goal, viewing independence and boundary-testing as threats rather than healthy developmental milestones. But suppressing a child’s autonomy doesn’t create strong, confident individuals—it fosters fear, compliance, and emotional suppression.

Understanding Rebellion as a Healthy Part of Development

What Is Rebellion?

Rebellion isn’t about defiance for the sake of defiance. It’s a natural process where children assert their independence, explore their identities, and test boundaries to understand the world around them. Rebellion helps children learn self-control, problem-solving, and decision-making skills. It also helps them develop a sense of autonomy, recognize social boundaries, and understand the cause-and-effect relationships between their actions and consequences.

By questioning rules or asserting their own will, children begin to understand how the world works, differentiate right from wrong, and build resilience when facing challenges.

The Developmental Purpose of Rebellion

• Toddlers: Saying “no” is part of asserting autonomy. They’re discovering that they are separate from their parents, which is a crucial developmental milestone. This helps toddlers develop a sense of self-identity, fostering confidence in their ability to make choices and assert preferences.
• Teenagers: Questioning rules and pushing boundaries is part of forming an independent identity and critical thinking skills. It helps them evaluate societal norms, understand the reasons behind rules, and cultivate their own moral compass. This process fosters independence and prepares them to navigate complex decisions in adulthood.

These behaviors are not signs of defiance but necessary steps in developing autonomy, resilience, and self-awareness.

Video: Understanding Healthy Rebellion in Children

This video breaks down why rebellion is not only normal but necessary for healthy development.

The Harmful Effects of Suppressing Rebellion

Suppressing a child’s natural desire for autonomy can lead to long-term emotional and behavioral issues.

Emotional Consequences

• Internalized Fear and Inadequacy: When children are punished for asserting independence, they may develop feelings of fear and self-doubt, believing their emotions and desires are inherently wrong. For example, if a child is scolded or punished harshly for questioning a rule, they may internalize the belief that speaking up or having opinions is dangerous. Over time, this erodes self-confidence and fosters anxiety about expressing themselves.
• Heightened Anxiety and Depression: Children raised in authoritarian environments often struggle with anxiety and depression because they’re taught to suppress emotions instead of expressing them healthily. In these environments, children learn that their feelings are invalid or unacceptable, leading them to bottle up emotions. This emotional suppression can result in chronic stress, feelings of isolation, and difficulty managing strong emotions later in life.
• Difficulty Expressing Emotions: Fear of punishment leads kids to hide their feelings to avoid negative consequences. This suppression stunts emotional intelligence, as children don’t get the chance to identify, process, and regulate emotions effectively. Without opportunities to express themselves safely, children struggle to develop healthy coping mechanisms, impacting their relationships and mental health.

Impact on Critical Thinking

Critical thinking is the ability to analyze information, evaluate situations, and make independent decisions. It’s a vital life skill that helps children think creatively, solve problems, assess risks, and make informed choices.

Why Does Blind Obedience Undermine Critical Thinking?

• Missed Opportunities for Problem-Solving: When children are expected to follow rules without question, they miss out on learning how to evaluate situations, consider different perspectives, and develop decision-making skills. They don’t practice weighing consequences or thinking through challenges because they rely solely on external direction.
• Discourages Questioning Authority: Allowing children to question authority fosters curiosity and helps them understand different viewpoints. It encourages them to think critically about rules and decisions rather than blindly accepting information. This doesn’t mean encouraging defiance—it means supporting thoughtful inquiry and respectful dialogue.
• Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: This approach encourages children to explore, ask questions, and problem-solve independently. By nurturing a child’s natural curiosity, autonomy-supportive parenting helps develop resilience, adaptability, and confidence in their ability to navigate complex situations.

To Train Up a Child vs. Evidence-Based Parenting Approaches

Here’s a comparison of TTUAC’s harmful advice versus evidence-based, positive parenting practices.

What To Train Up a Child Advocates	What Evidence-Based Parenting Approaches Recommend
“Almost every small child will rebel… Parents must break their will early to prevent defiance.” (page 11)	Rebellion is a sign of growth. It’s a healthy expression of autonomy that helps children learn independence and self-regulation.
“If you are consistent in training, this attempt at total dominance will come only once in a child’s life.” (page 11)	Guide, don’t dominate. Positive parenting encourages guiding children through challenges with empathy and respect, fostering resilience.
“The frustration parents experience results from their failure to train.” (page 4)	Frustration is natural in parenting. Children’s challenging behaviors are opportunities for connection and growth. They are not signs of failure.

Positive Parenting Strategies for Navigating Rebellion

Instead of trying to suppress rebellion, here’s how you can respond in ways that support your child’s growth:

• Connection Before Correction: Build strong emotional bonds to reduce power struggles. When children feel seen and heard, they’re more likely to cooperate. The book The Whole-Brain Child offers valuable insights into this approach, showing how connection fosters emotional regulation and behavioral growth.
• Offer Choices: Allow autonomy within boundaries. This means giving your child the freedom to make decisions within a structured environment. For example, instead of saying, “Put on your shoes now,” you can ask, “Would you like to wear your red shoes or your blue ones?” This approach fosters independence while maintaining parental guidance. Offer simple choices to help children feel empowered without overwhelming them.
• Logical Consequences: Teach cause-and-effect through natural consequences instead of punitive measures. For example, if a child refuses to wear a coat on a chilly day, feeling cold is the natural consequence. Not every situation has an obvious natural consequence, but whenever possible, let real-world outcomes guide learning.
• Model Emotional Regulation: Show your child how to manage frustration calmly. For instance, if you’re upset, you might say, “I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a deep breath before I respond.” This demonstrates healthy coping mechanisms and teaches emotional intelligence through example.
• Encourage Problem-Solving: Involve your child in creating rules and consequences. For example, you could say, “What do you think should happen if toys aren’t picked up after playtime?” This approach fosters a sense of responsibility and teaches negotiation and conflict-resolution skills.

Rebellion isn’t a sign of failure in parenting—it’s a sign that your child is growing, learning, and becoming their own person. Instead of fearing defiance, embrace it as an opportunity to guide your child with empathy, respect, and evidence-based strategies.

When we shift from controlling our children to supporting them, we raise confident, independent thinkers who know how to navigate the world with courage and resilience.

What’s your experience with parenting a “strong-willed” child? Share your thoughts and stories in the comments—I’d love to hear from you!