Question Christian Fundamentalism

This post might differ from my other posts, because I just gotta interject and say, “NO! You should NOT hit (or “spank”) your 21 month old baby over 100 times a day. I didn’t think I had to say that, but here we are. Let me explain… 

Dear Michael Pearl, “Help Me Obi Wan Kenobi, You’re My Only Hope” 

In the March/ April, 2004 issue of No Greater Joy Magazine in an article entitled one size fits all?, a woman wrote to Michael Pearl that she desperately needed Michael’s help because her 21 month old baby was a handful since birth, very strong-willed and had a bad attitude. She said that she read all of his books and articles, and feels like they must be doing something wrong because their daughter who is not sick or allergic, who eats and sleeps well and can communicate is disobedient and disrespectful. She writes: 

“This is how it goes: I give her a command. She scowls at me and says, “Uh Uh!” I give her a swat on the legs. She collapses on the floor and cries angrily. I swat her again and tell her to stop crying. Repeat steps 4 and 5 up to 5 times. She cries pitifully. I tell her to stand up. She obeys crying all the time. I repeat the command. She obeys grizzling, unhappily all the time. She is miserable for the next hour ……. Repeat this little scenario 10-20 times during the course of an average day.” 

Michael proceeds to write that it sounds like she is doing everything right… Is she, Michael? Is she? Is it right to hit your baby up to 100 times a day? What is wrong with you, Micheal? Oh, wait, I know, you dehumanize children. You see them as inanimate objects or animals who only exist to blow smoke up your butt. And you teach other parents to dehumanize their children as well. 

What is going on here? “Give it to me straight.” 

I actually have training in child development and evidence-based parenting approaches. This guy raised just his kids and thinks they are perfect little angels, because of his parenting, so he shares his monstrous abusive ideas with parents who just get swept up in this never-ending cycle of power struggles with their kids. This didn’t work for this mother, because her daughter is a highly independent child who one day could be a great leader. But Michael just sees children as objects to exude dominance over and control. 

Let’s talk about what was ACTUALLY going on with that baby girl. She is 21 months old, so no, she does not communicate well. A 21 month old usually can say 10 to 20 words. Put yourself in her shoes. Let’s say you only know how to say the words, mama, daddy, ball, cat, car, juice, dog, cookie, bath, shoe, shirt, book, eat and play. You can’t say any other words. Could you communicate with anyone with words that you don’t understand what your mother wants you to do? Could you tell your mom you are scared that she will not come back to get you if she leaves you in the church nursery? No. Of course not! Your baby can’t communicate most of their needs at that age very well, and the only way they know how to communicate is through crying. 

How did you decide she isn’t sick? 

“My daughter is not sick or allergic.” How, exactly, did you determine that? Are you saying that you know about all the illnesses and allergies and all of the different ways they present? Not even doctors make that claim. You know why? Because they do not know about all of that.

I was born with Tourette Syndrome. A genetic neurological brain condition where my brain can’t consistently control what chemicals it releases and where and for how long. This results in me being unable to control my body. My tics are uncontrollable movements and sounds that I make because my brain produces too much dopamine in my motor cortex (the part of your brain that controls movements). Anything I can choose to do with my body can be a tic, so no one can tell the difference between tics and choices except for me. 

I developed a, “No”, eye-rolling and yelling tic before I was diagnosed. I used to get spanked, grounded and yelled at all the time by almost every adult I did that to. No one knew that I really couldn’t control it. It just looked as though I was being deliberately defiant. 

My mom thought I was just a horrible kid. But when I was finally properly diagnosed, I was able to get the help that I needed. Whether your child is diagnosed with an illness or disability has no bearing on whether they are or are not disabled or sick. How arrogant is it for us as parents to assume we know all these things. Especially since lots of disabilities our kids can’t control often mimic defiant or disobedient or rude behaviors. 

“Uh, oh, my daughter is COMPLETELY normal!” 

But let’s not ignore the fact that what this woman described is COMPLETELY TYPICAL FOR BABIES THAT AGE!!!! Just because you got some babies that just made themselves your little robots doesn’t mean that any baby that doesn’t become an extension of you is abnormal or even being a bad child. 

Children don’t understand the difference between wants and needs until they are about four years old. From this one year old’s perspective all of her wants are needed for her survival. So when she throws a fit because she didn’t get her way, that is because she thinks that something bad will happen if she doesn’t get it. Children learn over time the difference between wants and needs when they have all of their needs met, but only get some of their wants.

Children need to have some of their wants met, but have all of their needs met one hundred percent of the time so that they learn the differences between needs and wants. They need to see that, “If I don’t get this, then I am fine.” and that “If I need something, I can trust that my parents will provide it for me.” 

But getting some of your wants is just as important as not getting all of your wants. Getting some of your wants teaches you that you live in a world where you can get some things you want, but not absolutely everything you want. If you never give your kids things that they want, they often grow up believing that they don’t matter and that they should allow people to just use them all the time. That’s why it is so mortifying that Pearl says later in the article, “If you allow her to dictate her will in the little things that don’t matter to you, when something significant comes up, you have already conditioned her to expect to get her way.” 

Independent girls, bad!

Yes, let us continue to treat this HUMAN BEING like an object or extension of ourselves, and maybe she will grow up to just blindly do what people want her to do. I say rolling my eyes at the sickening thought. You think that’s not what Pearl literally wants? You think I’m being hyperbolic? Think again! 

Earlier in the article Pearl says, “The personality and lifestyle of one family will lend itself well to training the tender, sensitive children, or do well with the girls, but do a lousy job of training the boys or the independent-minded girls.” Independent-minded girls? Why didn’t he refer to the boys as “independent-minded boys?” Because he thinks that girls should just do what they are told. Do what your father says until you get married, and then do what your husband says. The boys are expected to be leaders, so difficult-to-train boys are seen as a normal part of raising them, so independent-minded boys are seen as normal. But independent girls? Oh, no, we can’t have that! 

My mom is not safe.

Okay, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. This little baby under two year old girl was hit on the legs up to 100 times a day. Here’s mom’s perspective: 

1. I say, “No.” 
2. My daughter is mad because she didn’t get her way, and she is trying to manipulate and control me and the situation. 
3. I hit her legs to send her the message that she should not behave this way. 
4. She immediately flies into a rage because she wants to control me and doesn’t want to do what she is told. 
5. I hit her again, and she continues to rage because she is stubborn, disobedient and disrespectful. 

Here is her baby girl’s perspective. 

1. I need something very badly. If I don’t have it I will get hurt and something bad will happen to me. 
2. My mom said, “No.” I am not getting my needs met. Mom usually meets my needs, so she must not understand what I need. 
3. I don’t know enough words to help my mom understand what I need. My frustration with the fact that I can’t tell her and she is not meeting my needs is overwhelming and I don’t know how to deal with it. If I cry, mom will help me. 
4. Why is mom hitting me? I am not safe. Mom is not safe. 

Your children’s prefrontal cortex, the front part of their brain, is in charge of decision-making and helps them with impulse control. Their prefrontal cortex is not developed enough to understand punishments or consequences until they are around three or four years old. So, when you spank or punish a child under about four, they are unable to connect that to their behaviors. From their perspective, you, the one they are supposed to trust, are just randomly hitting them for no reason. 

Spank the baby every 7 minutes? What could go wrong? …

But that just responds to part of her statements, right? She said she hits her baby as many as 100 times in one day. Babies her age sleep about twelve and a half hours a day, so in just eleven and a half hours, you are hitting your baby 100 times? 

This mother is hitting her baby as much as every seven minutes on an average day. If we say that the average swat takes her five seconds, then that means that this UNDER TWO-YEAR-OLD is being hit for eight to nine minutes straight every single day. No wonder she is throwing herself on the floor and wailing, you are beating the tar out of your poor baby! 

Appalling is an understatement

I have a younger family member who told me that as a child, she used to read this magazine and To Train Up A Child, and thought her parents should do MORE of the things in this magazine. Of course, she realizes that is not true now. I am absolutely APPALLED that anyone anywhere in the world grew up reading these articles and thinking that this is what they deserve. The message? You are not worthy of love or protection. You are an animal. We own you. 

The Pearls’ are constantly comparing children to everything from horses, mules, mice and rats to inanimate objects like fruits. So for anyone who grew up with these teachings, know that you have always been a human being. A human with your own thoughts, personality and ideas. A human being who matters, and not just if you let your parents crush your personality like you’re a tiny bug, but also when you rebel and disagree with them. You matter even when you don’t do what they say. And you have rights now, and you had rights then. 

It’s okay to question authority

When you were a child, your parents took away all the cards in your life, but when you became an adult, they were forced by most governments to give you back those cards whether they wanted to or not. Don’t ever let anyone have your cards ever again. 

Does that mean you never listen to advice from people with more life experience than you? No, but it does mean that you don’t just blindly take advice from anyone ever. Weigh the advice from people who have real, direct life experience about the topic than you have more heavily, especially if you trust them. Weigh advice from those you don’t know or who don’t have experience with the topic less heavily. Even with people whose advice you trust, fact check them. Ask them for evidence for the claims they make. Anyone who would get offended that you are asking for evidence or asking them why they are giving you the specific advice they’re giving is not worth getting advice from in the first place. 

You matter. Your voice matters. And your opinion of how you live your life, now as an adult, is more important than your parents opinions. 

Signing off, 

Abby Kwick