Question Christian Fundamentalism

By setting realistic, age-appropriate expectations, parents can create an environment where children thrive emotionally and cognitively…

Parenting advice often comes with varying philosophies, but not all are based on evidence or aligned with the needs of growing children. To Train Up a Child (TTUAC), a controversial book by Michael and Debi Pearl, advocates for methods that are both developmentally inappropriate and potentially harmful. This article explores why understanding child development is critical to effective parenting, critiques the methods in TTUAC, and provides evidence-based alternatives that foster trust, autonomy, and respect.

What Is Developmentally Appropriate Parenting?

Developmentally appropriate parenting aligns expectations and methods with a child’s cognitive, emotional, and physical abilities at each stage of growth. Here’s why it’s essential:

• Respecting Developmental Milestones: Infants and toddlers are naturally impulsive and lack the reasoning skills necessary for complex behavioral expectations. For example, a 9-month-old grabbing at objects is not disobedience—it’s exploration and curiosity.
• Building Trust: Parenting that honors a child’s developmental stage fosters a sense of security and connection, laying the foundation for healthy relationships.

In contrast, TTUAC suggests training children as young as five months old. The book claims, “Training does not necessarily require that the trainee be capable of reason; even mice and rats can be trained to respond to stimuli” (Page 2). Such advice disregards a child’s natural growth process and equates them with animals, ignoring their unique emotional and cognitive needs.

Critique of TTUAC’s Methods

Entrapment and Punishment

One of the most troubling practices in TTUAC is “entrapment-based training,” where parents intentionally set up scenarios for children to fail. For example, the book advises placing a tempting object within reach and then punishing the child for touching it:

• TTUAC Quote: “Place an appealing object where they can reach it… when they spy it and make a dive for it, say, ‘No, don’t touch that.’” (Page 5).

This approach undermines trust and teaches children to fear exploration rather than guiding them toward understanding boundaries.

Alternative from Love and Logic

Love and Logic recommends using enforceable boundaries instead of entrapment. For instance:

• Instead of setting up a scenario for failure, provide clear and achievable limits: “You’re welcome to play with the toys that are on the table.”
• Focus on empowering the child to make good choices rather than punishing them for predictable behavior.
  Learn more about enforceable boundaries.

Physical Punishment

TTUAC encourages the use of physical punishment to achieve instant obedience, including spanking infants. For instance, it suggests training a 5-month-old not to climb stairs by associating the command “No” with “little spats on her bare legs” (Page 9).

Research consistently shows that physical punishment harms a child’s emotional well-being and damages the parent-child relationship. It may create short-term compliance but fosters fear and resentment over time.

Alternative from Love and Logic

Logical consequences are a more effective and compassionate way to teach behavior:

• Example: If a child refuses to put away their toys, the natural consequence might be losing access to those toys temporarily.
• This approach helps children understand the link between their choices and outcomes without fear or shame.
  Learn more about logical consequences.

The Benefits of Natural and Logical Consequences

Natural and logical consequences allow children to learn from their actions in a way that is developmentally appropriate and respectful.

Natural Consequences

• These occur without parental intervention. For example, if a child refuses to wear a coat, they’ll feel cold and learn the importance of dressing warmly.
• What Children Learn: Natural consequences teach children the direct results of their actions, fostering problem-solving and decision-making skills.

Logical Consequences

• These are directly related to a child’s behavior. If a child refuses to clean up, they lose playtime until the task is completed.
• What Children Learn: Logical consequences teach accountability while maintaining trust and respect.

Love and Logic emphasizes delivering these consequences with empathy. For example: “I’m sorry you’re feeling cold, but next time you might want to grab your coat.” This approach ensures children focus on their choices, not resentment toward their parents.

Comparing Parenting Approaches

What To Train Up a Child Advocates	Advice from Love and Logic
TTUAC suggests training children from infancy, even when they are developmentally unable to understand the purpose behind the training. Example: “At five months she was too unknowing to be punished for disobedience. But for her own good, we attempted to train her…” (page 9)	Love and Logic advocates for parenting techniques that align with a child’s developmental stage. Example: The suggest letting toddlers experience natural consequences to learn cause and effect.
TTUAC promotes entrapment-based training, where parents set children up to engage in unwanted behaviors to punish and condition them. Example: “Place an appealing object where they can reach it… say, ‘No, don’t touch that.’” (page 5)	Love and Logic emphasizes enforceable boundaries instead of entrapment. They suggest clearly stating what parents can control and providing choices within boundaries to encourage responsibility.
TTUAC frames parenting as a method to achieve instant obedience through consistent physical punishment and fear-based compliance. Example: “By the father’s advance to take the object from his hand, he has learned how to use anger… that father was effectively training his small child to be a rebel.” (page 13)	Love and Logic recommends fostering trust and autonomy instead of fear. Their approach focuses on empathetic, loving interactions to build relationships that encourage cooperation and accountability.

Actionable Tips for Parents

Here are practical ways to apply developmentally appropriate parenting:

1. Understand Developmental Stages:
   • Learn what behaviors are typical for your child’s age. For instance, toddlers are naturally impulsive and curious—this isn’t disobedience, but normal exploration.
2. Use Enforceable Statements:
   • Replace commands you can’t enforce with statements about what you can control:
     • Instead of “Stop yelling!” say, “You’re welcome to stay inside if you use a quiet voice.”
3. Empathize Before Correcting:
   • Validate your child’s emotions before addressing behavior:
     • “I know you’re upset you can’t have that toy. It’s okay to feel sad.”
4. Focus on Logical Consequences:
   • Help children connect their choices to outcomes:
     • “If you leave your bike outside, it might get damaged. Let’s put it in the garage together.”
5. Avoid Physical Punishment:
   • Choose teaching moments over punishment to build trust and respect.

Parenting is most effective when it aligns with a child’s developmental needs. The advice in To Train Up a Child often disregards these needs, promoting methods that can harm trust and emotional growth. In contrast, evidence-based approaches like those from Love and Logic emphasize empathy, enforceable boundaries, and logical consequences.

By focusing on developmentally appropriate parenting, we can raise confident, responsible, and emotionally secure children. For parents seeking guidance, Love and Logic and other evidence-based resources provide compassionate and effective tools to navigate the challenges of raising children.